consumer ballad

It's Friday and we've got a lot to do

There's brisket to braise and cholent to stew

There's parsley to soak and tea essence to brew

There's humidifiers to fill and lightbulbs to unscrew

I knew I should have listened to my guru

When he told me to beware of Orthodox Jews

But now I'm signed sealed and delivered to my Tel Aviv yeshiva

And I gotta go get some chopped liver

'Cause Friday is Abba's day at the tzorchania

No women allowed north of Carlebach

To you it may be just a hole in the wall

But it's my Chasidic shopping mall

(chorus)

Tzorchania

I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball

Tzorchania

I'm having such a good time, don't want to stop at all

Out shopping and I'm having a good time

Out shopping and I'm having a ball

At my Chasidic shopping mall

I'm a crazy diamond

Like Paul Simon

Always parsley sage and rosemary thyming

Just in time for the last call for hala rolls
Yes sir yi yi three bags full
I'm in a river of gold like I was Billy Joel
And I feel like I'm going to lose control
I've got a shopping cart ready to reload
I'm going to go whoa whoa like it was Trader Joe's

A bottle of Diet Sprite yeah
I like to eat frozen treats that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
I'm shopping at the speed of light
I'm going to buy a tout-banana candy for you
I'm shopping, I'm shopping, oy yoy yoy
I'm shopping, I'm shopping, I like it

(chorus)

Navigating the tzorchania can be complex
Because these aisles are skinnier than Slim Shady's body mass index
I feel like a Tyrannosaurus Rex in Anne Frank's annex
And I just got a call on my Nexus
My wife wants me home for breakfast in six minutes
My shopping trip is finished, but didn't I just begin it?

(chorus)

Twitter

The ceilings in the Yeshivat Har Etzion bet midrash are very high, and the windows do not have screens, at least they didn't when I was there 15 years ago, so it was not uncommon (don't tell George Orwell I just used a double negative) to see birds flying in the bet midrash.  At the time, I thought that was really cool.

One Shabbat afternoon after the shiur klali, I walked up to ask Rav Lichtenstein a question, but on the way, I stepped on something.  I looked down and I saw that it was a dead bird.  Quickly, I got paper towels, picked up the bird, and deposited it in the trash somewhere.

I think this was a big zechus for me in shamayim.  So today, when I wonder what in the world I did to deserve all the wonderful things I've been blessed with, I sometimes think of that dead bird on that Shabbat afternoon 15 years ago in Yeshivat Har Etzion.

the settlements don't make me safer

Sometimes I feel like we don't have a partner
Stay up late rereading the Hamas charter
Maybe Kahane was smarter after all
Than Rav Lichtenstein and Rav Amital
And in my dreams I still hear that call
"If we give them the West Bank, you think they're going to thank us?
Send some suicide bombs and other harmless pranks?
Import tanks from Iran?
Turn the land of Canaan into Hamastan?
It's all part of the phased plan
Don't you understand, can't you see
It ain't about the land or the sea
It's about peace with security
We all want the Palestinians to be free
But democracy is too scary
Our circumstances are extraordinary
The occupation is necessary
Apartheid?  We abhor that metaphor
Relentless struggle for peace but we're forced to choose war"
Oh yeah?  Well, I got one last question for Rabbi Raphael Schorr
What the heck are all of those settlements for?

(chorus)
This is my polemic
This is my bumper sticker
This is my attachment
Go on and double click it
This is my vanilla wafer
A treaty's just a piece of paper
But the settlements don't make me safer
They only make me sick

Now why do you look so nonplussed?
Does Israel inspire trust?
"Well, we're Jewish, so we must!"
Does Israel inspire confidence?
Is the occupation there for self-defense?
Or is it there for settlements?
'Cause the rent is too high in Jerusalem?
These are the facts on the ground and we're used to them
I just can't remember the excuse for them
I just don't understand what I read in the news
I got a bad case of the settlement blues

(chorus)

So come ride with me down Route 443
And I'll give you a lesson in political geography
Why are we occupying the West Bank, you ask?
So we can get to Modiin real real fast
But chas veshalom the Arabs should drive on their own road
If they want to get somewhere they can borrow my motor boat
I don't want to brag and I don't want to gloat
But who cares about them?  They can't even vote

I just want to end this song on a positive note
So if you feel the way I feel, I got the antidote

(chorus)

copt killer

Listen up Raboisai this is my pyramid scheme
Like something out of Bernie Madoff's wildest dreams
Stuff my message in a bottle and let it float downstream
Plague of boils and I think you'll need some vaseline
Time to garbage collect you like a virtual machine

'Cause it's survival of the fittest like the selfish gene

And even Sammy Harris knows exactly what I mean

So use your delusion like Richard Dawkins

You better read that Rashi before you start talking

'Cause tonight all the mummies in Memphis are going to walk

Here come the chorus, Pharaoh, let's rock

chorus:
Vanilla
This is my imitation
Vanilla
This is my flash animation
Vanilla
You put us on your plantation
But now I'm just in Taba for my Passover vacation

Every vilde chaya has its brain on hype
Every wild beast is a Copt killer tonight

Plague of the first born is your birthright

Plague of darkness suddenly you ain't so bright

And even at the Valley of the Kings we gon fight

'Cause denial ain't just a bloody river in Egypt

And the plague of locusts isn't a bug, it's a feature
And frogs and toads are my favorite creatures

'Cause I got more rhymes than there's modern Coptic speakers

Evil speech is my niche, good thing I don't usually practice what I preach

Or I'd wind up in a cell in a police spreadsheet

chorus:
Vanilla
This is virtual reality
Vanilla
This is poetic brutality
Vanilla
You put us on your plantation
But now I'm just in Taba for my Passover vacation

Everybody make the hieroglyphic sign
And please leave me your jewels, I'll return them in no time
Man, this Giza complex is a virtual gold mine
So take my plague of pestilence, please
Cause I think your goat's got mad cow disease
Cause tonight I'm colder than a settlement freeze
And I don't need PhD's to bury you like archaeology

Because Wikipedia is my epistemology

I ain't no Ice T, I won't make no apology
I won't wipe this song off my discography
I'll wipe Egypt off the geography

chorus:

Vanilla

This is new world order

Vanilla

Making history shorter

Vanilla

You put us on your plantation
But now I'm just in Taba for my Passover vacation

Am I too nice?  Plague of lice

Stone you with hail like I was Vanilla Ice
What you trying to be Potifar's wife?
Secretary General Ghali? Boutros twice
I do know one thing though, nations they come they go
Blood frogs lice animals pestilence
Boils hail locusts darkness yo

You lasted five thousand years but I think your time is up

I'll explicitly delete you like Bjarne Stroustrup

I don't mean to interrupt your long history

But the secret of your survival is too big of a mystery

You're like a story told by Dore Gold

After five thousand years it starts getting old

Real fast, you just ran out of gas

Your civilization is a thing of the past

Yo!  May I have the attention of the class?

chorus:
Vanilla
This is the ten plagues
Vanilla
However many it takes
Vanilla
You put us on your plantation
But now I'm just in Taba for my Passover vacation

Pesach hotel
All food Badatz Rav Landa
No matza balls
No internet
I'm just playing Egypt, you know I love you!

Clearly, the Cherubim are Cabbages

Whenever the Ark of the Covenant is depicted, the cherubim are depicted as babies with wings.  (Usually, they don't have diapers on.)  We know that cherubim have wings; the Torah talks about their wings.  But are cherubim really babies?  The Torah gives us almost no details or context about the cherubim, except for the wings.

The Rashbam says that they're birds, and he gives some proof or other.  I remember Rabbi Menachem Liebtag suggesting that cherubs are calves, although I didn't find this suggestion on his website.  I don't remember all his proofs for this, but it was part of an attempt to explain why the Jews in the desert made a golden calf, and especially why Yeravam ben Nevat made two golden calves, one on each end of his kingdom.  Rashi, for some reason, only says that the cherubim have faces of babies, but neglects to comment on their bodies; maybe because it was obvious to him that they have humanoid bodies?

Wikipedia, commenting on the "Jewish view of cherubim", notes the prophecy of Yehezkel describing "the cherubim as a tetrad of living creatures, each having four faces: of a lion, an ox, an eagle, and a man. They are said to have the stature and hands of a man, the feet of a calf, and four wings. Two of the wings extended upward, meeting above and sustaining the throne of God; while the other two stretched downward and covered the creatures themselves".  Wikipedia also notes that the modern academic Near East historians are convinced that cherubim have the body of a lion and the head of a man, like the mythical sphinx.

But let's be honest: we all know that cherubim are cabbages, just like seraphim are snakes and ofanim are chariot wheels.  The "wings" of the cherub are obviously leaves of the cabbage.  And cabbages certainly make fearful guardians of the Garden of Eden, at least when they are wielding a revolving sword.

Oh Sweet Latke

לביבה מתוקה

מתאימה לחנוכה

לביבה מתוקה

בורא פרי האדמה

כמו אוזן של המן

50% שומן

בקיטנה וגם בגן

נס גדול היה כאן

Lyrics: Oren Hatch
Melody: traditional
Note: Some latkes may not be ha'adama.  Ask your rabbi.

Beat It

You can drive to our shul by going east on Oliphant street.  About a block before the shul, the sidewalk ends, and then, a few meters before the shul, the street ends.  The street is continued by a courtyard paved with bricks, kind of like a pedestrian walkway.  On one side is the shul, and on the other side is an apartment building.

Most residents of the apartment building, like most residents of Tel Aviv, are not particularly frum.  The building is usually quiet, but one Friday night, one of the apartments was hosting a loud party.  As I walked past the building on the way to shul, I could hear Beat It blasting from the windows.

A month or so later, Michael Jackson passed away.  I saw a few posters on Shenkin mourning his passing.  (The posters were styled to look like the death notices of prominent rabbis and other Haredim, which one sees posted every so often.)  I was a bit curious as to what he died of.  I looked at Wikipedia, which, curiously, did not say.  So I did a little bit of googling.  I never found the answer to my question, but I did come across an article featuring some lite lit crit of Michael Jackson's songs.  This article referred to "Beat It" as a pacifist song.  This, IMAO, totally misses the point of the song.  I think the song is pretty clear.  "You better run, you better do what you can," Jackson sings.

Why?

Because "they'll kick you and they'll beat you and they'll tell you it's fair."  Not because violence is bad, but because you don't have a chance.  It's kind of like "he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day".  It's like those Gemaras in Gittin which everyone reads on Tisha B'Av: this is why Jerusalem was destroyed, this is why Betar was destroyed, this is why [City I don't remember] was destroyed.  The Jerusalem story is kind of complicated, so many people are distracted from the point of the three stories taken together: we stood up for our pride, ignoring the threat of Roman retaliation; the Romans retaliated; and we got our butts kicked.  If we'd only bitten our lips and submitted to the far superior power of the Roman Empire, the Holy Temple would still be here.  Don't throw rocks at someone holding a gun.

So who was supposed to beat it, that Friday night in Tel Aviv?  The Haredim?  I don't think so.  You don't sing "Beat It" to your enemies.  You sing "Beat It" to your friends.  Sometimes, you sing "Beat It" to yourself.  Times are changing.  It's not the Haredim who need to beat it anymore, not even in Tel Aviv.